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by Albert Vorspan
Trump: I picked you out of my phone book. I’ve had a special edition that only lists professionals who are not Muslims, Mexicans, women, or intellectuals who’ve never built anything of value in their lives!
Shrink: And what brings you here today?
Trump: It’s my dreams -- bleak and violent. In my dreams, I am the President of the USA and I have to cope.
Shrink: And a President, how do you cope with all these challenges?
Trump: I pee in my pants.
Shrink: Well, that’s a perfectly normal reaction to a Trump presidency.
Trump: Then sometimes I can’t remember the difference between what I dream and what I’m imagining. Or, for that matter, between what I’m imagining and what I’ve actually done. I said that I’ve known Putin a long time and we are buddy-buddy pals, me and Vladimir -- and then I said I never met the guy. And in truth, I don’t know!
Shrink: Perhaps if you tell me what it is about this man that you so admire, we can get to the bottom of your . . . fantasy.
Trump: Watch it, Doc. Fantasies are for sissies. No, I like Putin because he is tough as nails, like me. No pussy-footing, no mollycoddling. Not like current U.S. policy, which is to send the bad guys in commercial airlines to check in at our hotel-like facility at Guantanamo, for life, at our expense. Mr. Putin knows how to make trouble-makers disappear. Poof! Move on. That’s leadership.
Shrink: I believe you have a classic presentation of Putin Envy.
Trump: What I envy is that Putin never has to stand through these cockamamie debates, presided over by some prejudiced, smart-ass women, and love being part of the disgusting ordeal, which is a monstrous waste of money and time ...
Shrink: Has it ever occurred to you, Mr. Trump, that perhaps you suffer from what we mental health professionals call “As-If Personality Disorder”? . . . Whoa, whoa, calm down, Mr. Trump!! And please take your hands off my neck! You truly do need help to learn how to get along with others!
Trump: I’m hugely with others. Hugely popular. Others love Donald Trump.
Shrink: But as President, you’ll need to develop strategies for working with those you disagree with.
Trump: Yes, of course. Hit ‘em. Throw them over that wall I’m building. Waterboard them. Beat the crap out of them! Where I come from, nice guys always finish last.
Shrink: Well, not always, hm? Obama won, no? Twice, in fact.
Trump: Obama doesn’t count. He’s not where I come from. He’s not an American. He was born a naked Mau Mau in Kenya and he was raised on a volcanic island in Hawaii by Crooked Hillary. He’s a Muslim and a coward and he’s trying to make the whole country sick from Obamacare, which you probably take, don’t you, Doc? Which is why you’ll go off and say that truth-tellers like me are nut jobs. Well, I don’t use Obamacare and I haven’t paid my bill yet, either, so I’m warning you . . .
Shrink: Hour’s up! I have Tony Soprano in the waiting room, so . . .
Trump: Hey, no kidding! Introduce me, would you? I’m thinking, maybe he’ll want to endorse . . .
Albert Vorspan is the senior vice-president emeritus of the Union for Reform Judaism and former director of the Commission on Social Action of Reform Judaism. He was integral in the establishment of the Religious Action Center in Washington, DC. He is the author of several books on Judaism and social justice, as well as a number of books of Jewish humor published by Doubleday.