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A SHORT PLAY
by Joel Schechter
(Donald Trump enters dressed as Santa Claus, backed by scenery of a Christmas tree forest, a sleigh, and one red-nosed reindeer. Trump hands out axes to audience members.)
Trump: It’s Christmas time, America! And I’m giving you a big, beautiful Christmas present.
Ivanka: It’s a Khanike gift, too.
Alt-Right Torch Paraders: He said it’s a Christmas gift!
Trump: God rest ye, merry gentlemen. There are fine people on both sides.
Jared: All I want for Christmas is a presidential pardon.
Trump: I’ve got eight pardons for you, Jared, one for each night of Whatchamacallit.
Ivanka: Oh, Daddy. It’s Khanike. Can’t you say “Khanike?”
Trump: Not without a chicken bone stuck in my throat. But never mind, never mind, the really big gift, tremendously big — it may be the most tremendous gift in history — is this tax cut. Some of my rich friends — who may be Jews, I don’t know, they don’t look any more Jewish than my daughter — they say this tax cut is going to hurt them. What can I say? It’s hard to be a rich man.
Loser: Yes, I can see that. The wealthy are going to take quite a loss: They’re losing estate taxes, losing corporate taxes . . .
Corporate America: We’ll cry all the way to the bank.
Trump: Of course, those who hate our great country will hate this gift. Iran and North Korea will denounce it. Democrats too.
Paul Ryan: That’s right. They’re afraid to see America prosper through deficit spending. but a Republican deficit is not the same as a Democrat deficit — ours is bigger.
Trump: Huger. Tremendouser.
Paul Ryan: They tax and spend, we cut and spend.
(Trump flourishes axe, adds: “Cut, cut, cut!” Chorus of a hundred Christmas carolers enters and sings: “ ‘Tis the season to be jolly! Join us all in White House folly. Fa la la la la, la, la, la, la.” )
Red-nosed Reindeer: Hey, what about the Alaskan wilderness? Nor even Santa wants to see it drilled! Especially without health care to get the oil off our noses!
Trump (to reindeer): We’re having venison for dinner this Christmas. I hope you can be part of it. . . . Generals! Who’s carrying?
Pentagon Generals: Thanks to you, Mr. President, we’re all carrying extremely expensive new gear!
Trump: Gear for reindeer. . . . and Fanta for Santa! I’m going to tweet that. (Whips out his phone, punches keys.) Jared, can you look into getting something for the Fanta endorsement?
Jared: Can I have my first pardon first?
Trump: Okay, everybody. This year in Florida. Then we move the Israeli embassy out of Tel Aviv. Next year in Jerusalem.
Ivanka: Oh, goody!
(Trump waves, sleigh blasts off, passes over the stage, curtain falls.)
Joel Schechter is a contributing writer of Jewish Currents, and author of Radical Yiddish.