The Last Resort: Trump’s Greatest Press Conference

by Albert Vorspan

Hundreds of harried press people have trampled each other to gain seats in the lobby of Trump Tower for what they had been told would be an historic event.

TRUMP: Welcome to Trump Tower and I promise you, promise you, this will be HUGE. Now, many of you have criticized me for a lack of empathy, no concern for the needy. WRONG. I LIKE THE NEEDY AND THE HUNGRY and they love me. Really, love me, needy and hungry. So, just to show you, I am inviting you all for a free lunch at the Trump Tower Grill which is serving the best damned phad Thai in New York City. And now to the main point of this…

REPORTERS (all yelling at once): IS IT TRUE ? ARE YOU DROPPING OUT OF THE RACE?

TRUMP: WHAT? HELL NO. I love the USA too much to quit now. Think of it. It would cause an instant depression. CNN would fold, FOX, PBS, MADDOW, NEW YORK TIMES, the internet, pharmacies with painkillers, Xanax. Parents who used to hush their voices to have that dreaded talk about sex with their kids –- now it’s all about Trump, the kids, they talk, all about Trump. The wheels would come off everything. Conversation would end. Folks who haven’t slept in months would collapse in bed and we would be a nation of Rip Van Winkles. Really, no good.

REPORTER: Wait, wait, then why this press conference? Your people said it would be “HISTORIC!!!”

TRUMP: OKAY, HERE IT IS, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING CALLED A BIGOT! Just because I demonize Muslims, Mexicans, veterans, women, judges, does not make me a bigot! I WILL SHOW YOU WHO THE REAL BIGOTS ARE AND IT’S YOU! You all cite the polls which say that my supporters are white, male, non-college-educated guys who are pissed off with politically correct bullshit and who see me, correctly, as their middle finger, really middle finger. Huge!

REPORTER: Well, the polls pretty much agree on that profile.

TRUMP: OKAY, STOP THIS POLITICALLY CORRECT DOUBLE-TALK! What you’re all really saying is that my supporters are DUMMIES! Now, if that isn’t bigotry, what the hell is it? Keep in mind, lackeys of free press, it wasn’t fancy Dans, or eggheads or news junkies who made this country. It was dummies like Alexander HAMILTON who. . . .

REPORTER (all the reporters now standing and screaming): NO, NO, NO, HAMILTON was a Founding Father and the smartest of them.

TRUMP: He was a DUMMY! WHO ELSE WOULD ARRANGE TO FIGHT A DUEL IN NEW JERSEY, across the George Washington Bridge, awful traffic, awful. Christie RUNNING UP THERE WITH ORANGE CONES, to have a childish gun duel with Aaron Burr AND NEVER EVEN GET OFF A SHOT!

REPORTER: Do you realize you are maligning one of the greatest. . .

TRUMP: YES, he was a DUMMY! They accused him of adultery, so what does he do? He releases the love letters he sent to that hot mistress. Shot himself in the foot, like releasing your income tax returns. Is that smart? Hell, no. But, just like my current dummies he was a Second Amendment people! Do you know why he sacrificed his life in that dumb gun duel? REALLY DUMB. HERE’S WHY! New York State, whipped up by Governor Cuomo, who was by the way, a founder of ISIS, passed a law banning gun-duels. People say he was sorry he had only one life to give for the NRA and Second Amendment, and, even worse, to have to travel to New Jersey. And, look, now there’s a hit musical on Broadway named HAMILTON and tickets sell for $800 a pop. So there you have it, a dummy who was one of our greatest FOUNDING FATHERS, which was a group of rich white males, a bunch, you’ll notice, that does not include MOTHERS!... And the grill closes in 10 minutes!

Albert Vorspan is the senior vice-president emeritus of the Union for Reform Judaism and former director of the Commission on Social Action of Reform Judaism. He was integral in the establishment of the Religious Action Center in Washington, DC. He is the author of several books on Judaism and social justice, as well as a number of books of Jewish humor published by Doubleday.