“Bei Mir Bist Du Sheyn,” as Donald Trump Would Croon It

by Jeff Balch

IN THIS presidential primary season, Donald Trump has been willing to say almost anything to keep your attention. Early in the winter, he commented that Hillary Clinton got “shlonged” in 2008. The man does have khutspe.

Let’s play out his Yiddishism a little further. Here’s the 1937 hit, “Bei Mir Bist Du Sheyn,” as Trump would croon it.

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Original music by Sholom Secunda; original lyrics by Jacob Jacobs; new lyrics by Jeff Balch

All of those other guys, they disgust you
They all suck up to you and don’t trust you
To hit the voting booth with the awful truth
But the whole race is new with me

I’m really swell — my poll numbers show it
All my opponents blow and they know it
It ain’t no rocket science, it’s just defiance
You know that it’s true with me

Bei mir bin ikh sheyn, it’s time to explain,
Bei mir bin ikh sheyn means I’m grand
Bei mir bin ikh sheyn, again I’ll explain
It means I’m the grandest in the land

To every Gal or Fella, you have been Oh So Wronged
But you can hear me tell ya that with me you won’t get shlonged
I try to explain, ‘bei mir bin ikh sheyn’
Stick with me, and help me take command

Bei mir bin ikh sheyn — I’ve said it all before but let me try to explain
Bei mir bin ikh sheyn means that I’m grand
Bei mir bin ikh sheyn — I hear you all complain so I am gonna explain
It means You want Me to run the land

To every Gal or Fella, you have been Oh So Wronged
But you can hear me tell ya that with me you won’t get shlonged (instrumental)

I try to explain, bei mir bin ikh sheyn
Stick with me... and help me take command

Jeff Balch lives with his family in the Chicago area. His songs have been heard in concert by dozens of people, many of whom have commented, “Not bad, considering there was no cover.” He has worked both odd jobs and even jobs, including a stint as a crisis counselor for homicide victims. He describes his political leanings as right of left of center. Balch holds fast to a few fundamental beliefs, such as that people generalize too much, and that if God wanted us to have artificial limbs He would have given them to us, and that, when speaking and writing, dangling participles can cause confusion, and that the passive voice should be avoided, and so should run-on sentences. And sentence fragments. He thanks his daughter Maple for mastering this recording.