A SHORT PLAY
by Joel Schechter
Characters include: Donald Trump . . . Army Sergeant . . . Private . . . Kim Jong-un . . . White Horse . . . Big Button . . . White House Hairdresser . . . Chocolate Cake (kosher) . . . Miss Universe
Trump: I want a parade with a million soldiers saluting their Commander-in- Chief.
Kim Jong-un: The man suffers from parade envy!
Trump: I don’t care what it costs, spare no expense to the taxpayers. We’ll take it out of their Social Security and Medicare.
Army Sergeant (female): Rise and shine, soldiers. The White House has ordered a parade. I want those rocket-launchers shining by 4 a.m.
Private: But Sarge, it’s 4 a.m. now.
Sergeant: Truth and justice never sleep.
Trump: Wake me when it starts.
Sergeant: Our battalion will accompany the Big Button float. The marching band will play “Hair to the Chief” as it passes the reviewing stand.
Private: Isn’t that “Hail to the Chief”?
White House Hairdresser: He’s changing his tune daily.
Sergeant: The horse cavalry will lead the parade with a white stallion, followed by a banner that announces “Hail to Our Stable Genius.”
Private: The horse can count to ten, but I wouldn’t say it’s a genius.
White Horse: These days I use a digital calculator.
Trump: I’m the stable genius. Carry on, Sergeant.
Sergeant: Men, women, whatever your gender, there’s been some debate about the bombshells we’re carrying. Their legs are not quite as shapely as Miss Universe’s, but I want them treated with respect.
Miss Universe: I first met the President in Moscow. He kissed me on each cheek, not the American way.
Trump: I heard that anti-American innuendo, thanks to my new surveillance system. Fire Miss Universe.
Miss Universe: No due process?
Trump: Men accused by Me Too are entitled to due process, but not you. However, I could use a new special assistant for White House affairs. (Kisses her on each cheek.)
Miss Universe: Spasibo! Thanks so much!
Trump: There’ll be plenty of tanks in the future, enough for everyone, with my huge, huge military budget. Some people say I admire women’s legs, Miss Universe, but it’s arms that I really love. And the arms industry loves me.
Miss Universe: I sing of men and arms.
Trump: You’re very talented. Care for some chocolate cake?
White House Chef: The cake’s marching in the parade, sir. You said something about giving the enemy its just desserts.
White Horse: But chocolate cake is his favorite dessert.
Chocolate Cake (with French accent): Long live Marie Antoinette!
White Horse: The cake just saluted a French woman, sir!
Trump: Treasonous cake! I’m going to remove you from the face of the earth. This has nothing to do with your color, only your high butterfat content; I’m going to destroy you one bite at a time. With pleasure.
Cake: Et tu, Donald?
White Horse: Thus end all Trumpian adventures in militarism.
Joel Schechter is a contributing writer of Jewish Currents, and author of Radical Yiddish. Since Trump’s inauguration, Joel has written several playlets about the new administration, including “Christmas with the Trumps. Khanike Too” and “The Flood at Mar-a-Lago.”