Another Short Play
by Joel Schechter
Characters: Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, Melania Trump, Jared Kushner, Secret Service agents, Children 1, 2, 3, Stormy Daniels and other guests.
Setting: A Passover dinner table in the White House. We hear the Trump family singing a song about Elijah.
Jared: It’s time for the prophet to enter. Open the door, please. This year we need Elijah more than ever.
Donald: If his papers are in order, it shouldn’t be a problem. Although with my new tax plan, everyone will share in the profits.
Child 1: I found the matse!
Melania (whispers): That’s been on your plate all evening. Find the hidden one.
Child 1: Can I call in Robert Mueller for assistance?
Donald: No collusion, no collusion, kids!
Ivanka: Jared says that Elijah originally came from Eastern Europe.
Melania: Like me.
Jared: Except more Jewish.
Ivanka: Like me.
Jared: Let’s not keep Elijah waiting. Open all the doors please.
Secret Service: There’s a group of rabbis outside with signs announcing they’ve been “Resisting Tyrants since Pharoh”! And a man who says his name is Eliyahu Hanovi.
Donald: Do a background check on Hanovi.
Child 2: I found the afikomen!
Melania (whispers): No, that matse has been on my plate all evening.
Child 2: You’d prefer I take some from Stormy Daniels?
Ivanka: Don’t be disrespectful to your grandmother! And don’t mention that woman again
Child 2: Yes, Mama. What about the nineteen other women who complained, can I mention any of them?
Child 3: Me too!
Donald: Your kids are too much. Where do they get these ideas?
Child 3: Mostly Daily Kos, sometimes Buzzfeed.
Child 2: One-hundred thirty thousand dollars and we’ll agree to keep silent.
Ivanka: That’s uncalled for. No Fox news for you tonight!
Jared: Someone drank Elijah’s cup of wine.
Donald: I thought the special cup was for me.
Ivanka: You are a prophet in your own time, Daddy, but . . .
Secret Service Agent: I have the pleasure of announcing the arrival of Mr. Eliyahu Hanovi.
Elijah (enters and takes off disguise and suddenly looks like Stormy Daniels): Greetings, Donald. The prophet has arrived.
Donald (whispers): I told you not to meet me here!
Melania: Elijah looks a lot like Stormy Daniels this year.
Donald: Fire those Secret Service agents immediately. Fire my Secretaries of Defense and Homeland Security, while you’re at it.
Bill Clinton (coaching Donald): Tell them: “I did not have sex with that woman!”
Donald: Go away!
Stormy Daniels: But I just arrived. And I have a few questions for you, Mister President.
Children 1, 2, 3: Yes, let’s hear her questions!
Stormy: First of all: why is this night different from all other nights?
Child 1: That’s my question!
Child 2: You don’t look like an Elijah.
Stormy Daniels: In my profession we change our names and faces all the time. I’ve been called much worse than Elijah. Donald himself has called me some interesting names.
Child 3: At last, a seder that’s not boring. Say more.
Donald (whispers): All right, I’ll sign, I’ll sign, just deny everything.
Child 3: What does the prophet want?
Stormy Daniels: All I want from your grandfather is a new progressive tax plan, a welcome for all refugees, renunciation of sexism and racism, Israeli withdrawal from occupied territory, equal rights for Palestinians there, an end to drone warfare and trade wars, a ban on domestic assault weapons sales, and a halt to the description of exotic dancers as pornographic actors. He should also fund Medicare for all with former military allocations, and pay more for public education, public transit and infrastructure and the arts. And your country will prosper as never before!
Donald: You didn’t vote for me, did you?
Stormy: The last group I openly supported was the Bund in Warsaw.
Jared: That didn’t save them, did it?
Child 2: Alas.
Stormy: So you’re not accepting my terms?
Donald: Not a chance.
Jared: No one listens to prophets anymore.
Robert Mueller (surprise appearance): But listen to this! I found the afikomen along with a huge, huge and starchy stack of laundered cash under the table. A few Russian rubles too.
Donald: The kids must have put it there. Or General Kelly and Melania. Take them away. Take the kids and their parents too. I could use some private time with Elijah. (To Elijah): Try some Trump wine. Your cup is empty.
Stormy (toasting him): I won’t say next year in Jerusalem because you’ve already said that. I could sing “Stormy Weather” for a finale.
Donald: But we don’t recognize climate change here.
(She sings it anyway. Curtain.)